


no one else has ever loved me (no one else has ever tried)

by earlvsunsets



Series: ikon mythical creatures au [1]
Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Human Experimentation, M/M, Mythical Beings & Creatures, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Platonic Relationships, Recovery, Shapeshifting, Team as Family
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-09 10:33:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12274620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/earlvsunsets/pseuds/earlvsunsets
Summary: In which Chanwoo finds a home, learns to love and to be loved.





	no one else has ever loved me (no one else has ever tried)

**Author's Note:**

> this is a mess im sorry i was so sleep deprived writing this also it's lowkey based off a poem we read in class,,,,,

When he gets out of the forest for the first time after a while, he feels lost. He looks out into the sky, realizing that he doesn't know this world, nor does he understand it. His eyes are not used to the light, skin feels too tight, bones throbbing in pain whenever he moves.

He wasn't always like that. He used to be _normal_. He used to be _human._ And now? He's a monster. He barely remembers what he looked like before, but now he doesn't even resemble a person.

Walking out of the forest, he finds a puddle of water. _It must've been raining_. When he sees himself in the reflection, he begins to feel sick. 

He doesn't recognize himself anymore. What he sees is more like an animal, tall and skinny, head of something looking like a deformed cat, with four long, spindly legs, bones sticking out. The fur covering his(?) body was short and matted with dried blood and the tail was trailing behind him, blood dripping from the end. The eyes were wide and bloodshot, fangs sticking out of his mouth. 

The forest is not a safe place, but it's the safest for him. The humans that come there usually leave after they see him, and that's good. 

He's okay with that. Humans can do things much, much worse than wild animals. 

He's a human too, of course. _Or used to be._ But that was before _they_ came. He does not know who they were, he never saw their face, but thinking about their voices makes his skin crawl and brings everything back. Their laughs, the needles piercing his skin, the smell of chemicals, so strong it was always irritating his eyes and throat, the glint of a knife under bright lights, acid being poured on him- 

What they did to him was unimaginable and unforgivable. The first chance he got, he ran away, as fast as he could, to a nearby city. They didn't look for him, but he was unable to live with the fear that someone might want to do those things to him again. He ran again. This time, to the forest, where he's been hiding for a while now.

They wanted him because he was different, they said. He was pure and innocent when they got him, like a blank canvas to paint on. _I've never seen one so young before,_ he heard one of them say once. 

The reason why they wanted him was his look - the innocent one only a child has, and they took it away.  
_They took everything away._

When he ran to the forest, he changed. They liked his purity, so he turned into something far away from pure.

No one would want to hurt him if he looked like that. 

But he doubts he has much time left in this world. He's already been attacked twice - once by a wolf, the other time by a bear. He's been able to get away, but he still got injured, something that he can feel even now. Bones that didn't heal properly, skin painted with scars and bruises, both old and new, a grim reminder of that he went through. 

One day, everything began to change, and he had no idea how much it will impact his life. 

One day, he began feeling a new presence in the forest. Not an animal, not a human. It confused him and scared him at the same time, but he wanted to see it anyway. He walks out of his hiding, carefully stepping so he won't alert anyone. What he sees is _weird._ It's a human, or at least looks like one. It doesn't feel like a human, or a vampire, the only other being he's ever come in contact with. There's something different about them, something that almost draws him to the person, but the curiosity is overpowered by the fear that courses through his body at the sight of a human. 

The man is walking around the forest quietly, looking around. There's something careful in the way they walk and look like they don't want to disturb the things that live there. They're wearing casual clothes, jeans and a hoodie and their hair is dyed a light blonde. Something about them is making his fear smaller, the person seems to radiate a positive aura, but, then again, _they_ seemed safe as well.

Still, he walks closer so he can take a better look at the person, hoping that he'll scare them away in case he gets noticed. Most people run away after a few seconds. They're scared of monsters.

Monster. That's all he is.

A large, deformed animal, too long in some places and too small in others, covered in blood and dirt, growling at anyone who comes close. 

He tried to change back into his human body once. But it was too painful and he was too scared, so it failed. He didn't try again afterward. 

Although he's walking as carefully as he can, due to his clumsiness and pain, he steps on a broken branch and the noise is loud enough to alert the person and he freezes in fear. 

The person takes a look at him and their eyes widen. But only for a split second and they start moving closer.

He moves a step back, heart racing madly. 

"It's okay." The person whispers, voice low and smooth. "I'm not going to hurt you. Please don't run away." They stop walking, hands held up.

He thinks for a while before deciding to stop, sitting on the ground instead, after making sure he has a clear escape route behind him. There's still a bit of distance between them and it makes him feel a little better. 

The man sits as well, taking a deep breath. "My name's Yunhyeong." He starts. "I don't know if you're able to speak, or if you want to, but that's not necessary. Me and my friends, we, uh.." He stops for a moment, thinking. "We've found out about you since we live not that far away from here. We want to help." 

The creature feels almost shocked. Why would anyone want to help him? Who are those people? He doesn't want help or needs it.

"Of course, that doesn't have to happen now. We know you're not human. None of us are." Yunhyeong looks at him with something that's almost like worry in his eyes. 

"We know how cruel humans can be, trust me. I don't know what happened to you, but we try to keep... things like _us_ safe. We can make sure you don't get hurt again."

It sounds promising. It really does. The thought of not having to worry about staying alive every day, maybe having a place to actually sleep. Winters get really bad in the forest and he doesn't handle the rain well. But he's still not sure about Yunhyeong. Maybe he's like _them_ and he's just saying that to gain his trust and take him away again. 

Yunhyeong gets up now, hands in his pockets. "We can make sure you have a place to stay, somewhere you'll always be safe. You don't have to stay there forever, but it'll be a place you can always come back to if you need. You would be free."

 _Free._

The concept of freedom isn't very familiar to him. Sure, he's been "free" ever since he got out of the place he was held at, but... He wouldn't call himself free. He's nothing more than a monster, an injured creature, who's almost trapped in the forest, who can't leave because of the fear of being hurt again. 

"I have to go now." Yunhyeong shoots him a bittersweet smile. "You can think about what I told you, okay? I'll come back and the offer would still stand. You can agree in a year, and we'll still be glad to help you." He waves and walks away. 

Yunhyeong comes back a few days(?) later. He keeps coming back, actually. Comes every few days and sits with the creature, talking to him, getting a little closer each time. 

The creature begins to trust him, slowly. He didn't want to and is still a bit hesitant, but he hasn't felt cared for such a long time. The thought of someone who actually wants to help him, who cares, who wants him to him safe, he craves that feeling so much. 

"Can I touch you?" Yunhyeong asks one day, as they're sitting across from each other. The creature almost takes a step back, suddenly nervous. He hasn't been touched in so long, not without any malicious intent. But Yunhyeong has become a glimpse of hope for him, he wants to trust him, he's desperately trying to cling to the feeling of having someone who doesn't want to hurt him. So he nods, lowering his head, bracing himself for the worst. 

Instead, there's a careful hand on his back, gently stroking over the matted fur. The creature lets out something like a purr, heart filling up with warmth. Yunhyeong chuckles and they stay like that for a while before he has to go again. 

He starts looking forward to Yunhyeong's visits. The next day, however, someone else comes to the forest. 

He can see a human before he can feel them, can see the shotgun in their hands. 

He can't run fast enough.

He's not sure how he survives the night, laying on the forest floor and crying out in pain. He doesn't think he'll live for much longer and he's _terrified_. He can't die now, not like that. Fueled by the panic, he attempts to shift into something that looks more like an actual animal, but it doesn't work and he's so scared, there's blood everywhere and he can't die-

They find him like that at dawn, shivering and bleeding, whimpering in pain. It's Yunhyeong and two other people, most likely his friends, the one he told the creature about. He hears gasps of shock and some mumbled curses before someone walks up to him and he already knows that it's Yunhyeong.

He places his hands on the creature's body and he screams in pain, feeling like he's being burned alive. But the pain soon fades, and he's left with the fear he had. Yunhyeong seems to sense that and he strokes the creature's head affectionately. "There's something I need you to do," He whispers and the creature looks at him with last bits of strength. "I need you to shift into something small. A cat, or a dog, I don't care, but we have to get you away from here. It's not safe anymore." 

This only makes the creature more nervous, but he tries, he tries his hardest, because he doesn't want to _die_.

He hasn't been in a different body for a very long time and the process was incredibly painful. Skin pulling, bones resetting, fur growing over his body. He lets out cries of pain as he's shifting, but after he's done, it feels uncomfortable but better. His previous body was a representation of the worst possible things a child could come up with, but he felt strangely attached to it. It felt weird, being a smaller thing. Soon, he feels himself being lifted up gently and carried away. While he was exhausted and would like to just fall asleep like that, the stress that came with the thought of being in a new place was keeping him awake. 

Memories of the facility he was kept at come back suddenly, the clean, sterile environment, white walls and ceilings, no color. After a while, he thought he's gone insane. He was deprived of most of his senses, only thing he's ever felt was pain. 

The place Yunhyeong has taken him to looked a lot different. It looked like a regular house, with dark colored walls and dark wooden floors. It wasn't that clean too, and that made him feel weirdly safer. 

Yunhyeong sits down on the couch with him still in his arms. Other people start walking in and the animal instinctively tries to hide even though he knows that _they're Yunhyeong's friends, they're safe, they're okay._

"I thought you said you wanted to wait before bringing him here?" One of them asks, his voice low, black hair swept across his forehead. 

"I know. But he got injured and I managed to heal him a little, but..." Yunhyeong doesn't finish, sounding almost sad. 

Another person speaks up. "Wouldn't it be easier if he shifted back into a human?" 

_Human?_

He's not sure he can do that. He hasn't been human in...years. He doesn't really remember what he looked like, he barely remembers what is was like to be a human. 

And what if the want him to become human just so they can do things to him?

He spends that time as a cat. It's a form a lot more comfortable, although he's in constant pain. His previous body has gotten him used to past injuries, but with every time he shifted it only made it worse. Even though his healing abilities were a bit enhanced, it didn't work for the worst ones and being in a smaller body, he can feel it all. He knows, that changing into a human body would make the pain worse, that's one of the reasons why he didn't want to change. 

The things they've done to him when he was a child, he's not sure they've healed properly since he changed right after getting out. But maybe, just maybe, he would get help if he did shift. 

He needed time, though. Slowly, he got to know the others and maybe not trust them just yet, but it was close. He was definitely the closest with Donghyuk and Jinhwan (besides Yunhyeong, obviously), who always seemed to think about his wellbeing and cared for him the most. The next three, Jiwon, Hanbin and Junhoe were a bit awkward with him. Then again, who wouldn't be awkward with a cat? But they cared too, they just didn't show it as much. He appreciated it anyway. 

After almost two months, he shifts back into a human. He somehow manages to inform the rest about it, with a series of noises and latching on to Jiwon, who seems to understand it right away. He finds himself locked in a room, nervous and excited at the same time. He wants to do it, but he knows the process will be less than pleasant. 

The shifting takes almost an hour. He's felt his limbs growing, bones changing, cracking, rubbing against each other, old wounds that seemed to open up because of his body changing shape. By the end of it, he's crying and his throat is coarse from the screaming but he's _human._ It both makes his happier and terrifies him. In the mirror above the dresser he can see himself. He's tall, his hair has grown a lot longer, hes so skinny you can see his bones clearly, there's scars and wounds all over his body and his left arm looks strange, like it was broken and not reset properly. The sight of what has happened to him makes him feel sick. Getting up shakily and holding onto something, he changes into clothes they've prepared for him (either Jiwon's or Junhoe's, the tallest.) and walks up to the door, leaning against it and knocking three times. He's crying again, now from the fear of what might happen now. 

He can hear Yunhyeong coming, talking to him as he unlocks the door. He takes one look at the boy and his eyes immediately soften, placing his hands on his shoulders in attempt to soothe him.

After the boy calms down, it's time for questions. He's sitting at the kitchen table, with the rest around him. 

"First, most basic one. What's your name?" Jinhwan asks, sitting across from him. 

He thinks. The facility didn't use names, they had numbers instead, so he tries to think back to before he was taken. When he tries to speak, though, all he can let out is a weak, pathetic noise. Hanbin hands him a notepad and a pen then. He grabs it, a bit unsure, then manages to write his name.

_Chanwoo._

His handwriting is very childlike, almost unintelligible but the rest manage to read it somehow. He hasn't been able to write or speak for long enough to almost forget how to do it.

Jinhwan looks at him for a few seconds before asking the next question. "Okay, Chanwoo. How old are you?"

Chanwoo shakes his head at first. He doesn't remember. He was taken when he was 8, he's almost sure about that. He spent around 5 years in the facility, he knows, because he can remember the five times the doctors and the staff celebrated the New Year. 

(They were always more violent then.)

So he ran away when he was 13. And he spent maybe 3 years hiding in that forest. 

(Three winters, each one worse than the previous one)

 _16?_

He writes, gaining a shocked gasp from most people sitting there. They didn't ask more questions after that. That night, as he's trying to sleep (he doesn't remember the last time he had an actual bed as a human) he hears a hushed _"He's a child!"_ coming from the kitchen and winces at the sadness in the person's voice. 

The dreams that come to him are not the nicest. Then again, were they ever nice? 

It's definitely one of the worst memories he has. It happened not long before he ran away. _They_ were surprisingly violent that day. They shoved him around, hit and scratched him and he made the mistake of screaming. That, crying, any sort of noises were prohibited in the facility. They completely ruined him that day. Injected him with something that knocked him out, and when he woke up there were severe bruises on his thighs and neck, his arm was broken and everything _hurt_. He cried once more, scared. They came in again at that. His body was cut up and bruised, some kind of chemicals poured into the wounds, his arm was messed with and they were _touching him_ and there were so many hands on him-

He wakes up, trying not to scream and holding back tears. _No crying, no noises you'll be punished,_ his mind screamed as he rocked back and forth, breathing heavily. His heart is pounding, and all the old wounds he has seem to throb painfully. 

There's a knock on the door, soft, and he freezes. He thought that after living here for a while he's become used to the people, but being in a human body brings back everything. But he can already sense Yunhyeong and it's _okay, it safe, Yunhyeong's safe._

He sits on the bed, making Chanwoo want to move away a bit. "Can I touch you?" Yunhyeong asks, voice smooth and careful, always like that with him. Chanwoo nods shakily and relaxes a little when he feels the other grab his hands, running his thumb in circles on his hand. 

"It's okay, Chan," He whispers.

Chanwoo bows his head, taking deep, shaky breaths to stop himself from crying. He can still feel himself shaking though, and he knows Yunhyeong feels it too.

"It's okay to cry if you need to." Yunhyeong says after a few minutes of silence, making Chanwoo look at him with wide eyes, tears threatening to spill. 

Wouldn't that make him weak? 

That's what they were taught.

Crying made you weak. 

Showing fear made you weak. 

Obey, and you won't get hurt. 

_He always got hurt anyway._

Yunhyeong moves to sit closer to him, Chanwoo holding his breath, almost as if he was expecting a hit. But the other only wraps his arms around the boy, movements slow and cautious. "It's okay." He whispers again and Chanwoo _breaks._ He lets out all the pain and fear he's felt since he was a child. A child that's been through _so much._ He cries for all the times he was beaten, stabbed with needles, injected with things that had a chance to kill him. He cries for the times that he was begging to die, or for someone to _get him out._

Yunhyeong stays by his side, strong and unwavering, rubbing his arms gently, waiting for the boy to calm down. It takes him almost 20 minutes to stop crying and he's _exhausted._ But he feels better. 

"Do you want to go back to sleep?" Yunhyeong asks and Chanwoo shrugs. He's unsure whether sleeping would just give him worse nightmares. "Do you want me to stay?" Chanwoo thinks for a second. Maybe if he's with someone he trusts, it'll be different. 

It is different. With some difficulty, he manages to go back to sleep, Yunhyeong sitting in a chair next to the bed. This time, he doesn't have any dreams, and it's so much better. 

His nights get easier after that. 

Days, not so much. 

Being a human is significantly harder than he thought. There's so many things that he had forgotten how to do, he doesn't remember how basic appliances work and he doesn't know shit about smartphones. 

Learning to trust them all becomes more difficult as well. Being in animal form, he could just run away from things that bothered him. As a human, it's easier for the memories to come back. He still flinches if someone moves too fast, or gets too close to him all of sudden, he can't handle silence but can't handle loud noises either. 

It takes him a while to get used to everything. The way Donghyuk would just randomly throw his arm around his shoulder, the way Junhoe and Jiwon were just naturally _loud_. Getting closer to Jinhwan was the easiest. With his kind and gentle, almost motherly nature, he somehow managed to make Chanwoo feel better just by being next to him. 

After a few weeks of being a human, he lets Jinhwan cut his hair. It was getting way too long, but he was too nervous to let anyone get near his face with scissors. ( _again_ ) The oldest was a bit stressed, and Chanwoo could see the way his hands trembled a little, but he didn't mind. He was almost sure he was shaking as well.

In the end, it makes him feel better and that's important.

 

The first time he speaks is after he runs away. 

He was feeling suffocated. As much as he appreciates and loves the fact that he has a place to live, after living in the forest for such a long time, he begins to miss it. So he walks out, putting his hood over his head and goes to the forest. He walks to a small creek, stands near the water and just breathes. It's strangely therapeutic. 

Then, it starts getting dark, and anxious, he walks "home" as fast as he can. Entering the house, he's met with Hanbin's concerned face. "Oh, God, Chanwoo." He mumbles. His eyes are wide and disoriented, he's obviously scared. "You can't just run away like that."

Oh, no.

He hasn't thought about the consequences of running. He lowers his head in shame, already preparing for the worst. "I'm sorry." He rasps out, closing his eyes. Hanbin gasps, but then places his hand on Chanwoo's shoulder. "It's okay, we were just worried." He sighs. "But you talked, Chan! That's so good!" He smiles and Chanwoo looks at him with a small smile as well.

Hanbin was... different than the rest. At first, there was something almost cold in the way he treated Chanwoo, but then he realized. Hanbin was just very protective over his family, he didn't just let everyone in. But he started warming up to Chanwoo slowly and the boy was really glad. 

Hanbin ruffles his hair gently and walks into the living room happil, Chanwoo trailing weakly behind him. 

"Guess who just said his first words!" Hanbin grins excitedly, talking to his friends, who were all seated in the living room. They all started clapping and saying nice things to Chanwoo, who averted his gaze, face burning, not used to this kind of attention.

_Not used to kindness._

That night, Yunhyeong comes into his room again. He hugs Chanwoo tight and whispers a quiet " _I'm so proud of you_." Chanwoo can't describe how it makes him feel. It's like there's a small flame burning inside of him, not in the painful eayz but in the nice, warn kind of way. He hasn't felt like that before, but ever since they all started praising him and showering him with affection, it's very common for him to feel it. 

It that what feeling loved is like?

He doesn't know, not get. Only time will tell.

But recovery isn't easy. He still has nightmares quite frequently, he has days when he's unable to come out of his room, sometimes he doesn't speak for days and the lightest touch sends him into a panic attack. Sometimes it feels like he's just taking steps backwards. There are things that will probably always remind him of what happened, but he's learning to live with it. 

-

 

The rest didn't have an idea of what happened to him in the past, but then they talked about it in the news

He was sitting on the couch next to Jiwon, not really listening, but an information made him feel instantly more focused. 

" _...an underground facility, which was proven to be used for experiments on both human and non-human children._ " His heart _stopped_ for a second and he looked at the TV with wide eyes. Apparently, a place like that has been found, all kids freed and the owners and staff attested and currently waiting for a trial. When the photos of the facility and the interior were shown, he felt sick. _That's it._ He recognized it instantly and the thought of that place still working until now made his skin crawl. He got up hurriedly, walking out of the room, chest feeling heavy, breaths quick and shallow. He was doing better but now, seeing that place once again, he remembers _everything_. 

Footsteps approached him and he whimpered, turning away, not wanting anyone too see him like that. 

_He was supposed to get better._

But it's Jiwon, who stopped him and instructed him to breathe, waited till Chanwoo's breathing was normal and when the boy moved to hide his face in Jiwon's shirt, he hugged him tight, a certain heaviness hanging over them. 

"I'm so sorry, kid." Jiwon mumbled into his hair, obviously having realized what happened. 

-

It takes Chanwoo almost two and a half years to become completely comfortable with them all. He's getting better, he speaks more, even goes out for short periods of time to explore the area. 

As time goes on, he gets used to touches that are not meant to harm him anymore, he stops flinching away from someone speaking louder than normal, he even starts to initiate physical contact. Of course, he still gets uneasy sometimes, but he knows that they're safe and he can trust them. 

Still, there are things that seem to set back all the progress he has made. There are certain things that he can't get used to no matter how hard he tries. 

Thunder is one of these things. He was scared of it as a child, but living in the forest for so long has made it _so much_ worse. Anything that reminds him of living in there sends him into blind panic. 

Unfortunately, the weather has been rough recently, incredibly windy and stormy when the night falls. Chanwoo doesn't sleep well, but he doesn't want to bother anyone with that. He can deal with it, that's what he tells himself. He's doing a pretty good job so far, but sometimes even the weather seems to be against him. As he's taking a walk, it begins to rain. He walks home then, panic setting in instantly. He prays that he can make it before the storm really happens, but he fails. About 5 minutes away, he sees a lightning strike in the distance and he almost cries.

 _No, no, no,_ he screams in his mind, pretty much running at this point, heart stopping when he hears thunder and he's brought back to when he couldn't find a shelter and had to sit under a tree during a storm-

He makes it home safely, but just stands in the doorway upon arriving, soaking wet and shivering, crying uncontrollably. Donghyuk almost runs up to him, closes the door and grabs Chanwoo's face in his hands. "What's wrong?" Chanwoo opens his mouth to answer, but he's interrupted by another thunder and he flinches as if he was being burned. Donghyuk makes a noise at that, and runs away for a second, coming back with a bunch of towels and starting to dry Chanwoo's hair. "Go change your clothes and wait in your room, okay?" He asks and Chanwoo nods shakily, already warming up slightly. Changing into dry clothes, he thinks about how grateful he is for Donghyuk. Something his presence just always makes him feel safer. Both him and Yunhyeong, after Chanwoo found out they're angels, it seemed to explain a lot. Everything makes sense after he found out about the rest. Jinhwan's motherly way of handling things and how he always knew how to help, even by just smiling was explained as being a "fairy thing". Hanbin's protective nature and Junhoe's territorial behavior sometimes are just werewolf traits. Only Jiwon, being a barghest, didn't have many distinct traits. 

When he's done changing, he sits on the bed, covering his ears to muffle the sounds of thunder still roaring outside. After what seems like hours, Junhoe enters the room and with a soft smile sits next to him. As awkward as he might be sometimes, he's truly amazing at consoling Chanwoo when everything gets _bad,_ so the first thing Chanwoo does when he hears another clap of thunder, louder than the others, is cling to the older boy. 

Junhoe's arms wrap around him almost instantly, and he begins to hum quietly, a melody Chanwoo hasn't heard yet. It makes him a lot calmer, though, and he relaxes a bit in Junhoe's hold. They stay like that until the storm passes, Junhoe stroking his hair slowly. 

Moments like that make his recovery a lot easier. It's helps to realize that sometimes he needs help, and that is okay to ask for it. He learns that some people genuinely care and don't want him hurt. He still gets nightmares sometimes, some things make memories of the hell he went through resurface. But now, he has someone to help him, people who only want him to be happy. 

_He has a family now._

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry chanwoo i love u
> 
> please excuse all grammar and spelling mistakes, English isn't my first language!!
> 
> and ik it's a mess but i Hope you like it and all your kudos and comments are appreciated!!
> 
> side note: this could be seen as a sort of prequel to watch your step, kid and im planning on writing more of ikons backstories if i have the time and motivation, but could be seen a s a standalone work.


End file.
